I don't want to be married anymore.The above is a quote from the book "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. The first few chapters read like a biography of my life for the last couple years. I could relate 100% to the last line. It's weird how we can take one step after another in life only to find that after all those steps, our life doesn't even resemble who we really are.
In daylight hours, I refused that thought, but at night it would consume me. What a catastrophe. How could I be such a criminal jerk as to proceed this deep into a marriage, only to leave it? We'd only just bought this house a year ago. Hadn't I wanted this nice house? Hadn't I loved it? ....Wasn't I proud of all we'd accumulated?... I had actively participated in every moment of the creation of this life - so why did I feel like none of it resembled me?
All the crazy changes I have gone through over the last couple years have really helped me create a life that, now, does resemble me. I love where I am at now. I love that I can walk to work. I love that I have an exposed brick wall, on purpose! (name the musical!) I love that my apartment is now decorated. This may not seem like a big deal to some of you, but we lived in our house for 6 years and never hung a single item on the wall. So yeah, its a huge deal. I even found some great city pictures for the bathroom. I went all out. Anyway, here are a couple pictures of what I have ended up with.
My aunt gave me the picture in the center during my run of "Guys and Dolls" where I was playing Sarah. It is one side of what was a reel cover. (Like a record cover but it actually encased the movie reel). The street sign photo on the left was bought on a recent trip to New York and the rest of the frames are filled in with various other New York city photos.
And my kitchen. Equally awesome with the Eiffel Tower in the background! (Sorry you can't really see it, I promise it is really there.)
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3 comments:
This is a repost, I usually only leave these on for the original blogger to read, so if you want to read it and not post it that is fine. Please do not copy this and repost it as part of your blog. Please respect my wishes and I will continue to comment on your blogs. I like being able to comment on the blog to the blogger not to everyone out there. There are some other thoughts that I had and wanted to add. I had saved a working copy of the blog so there are some things that are missing and changed from the previous post. Thank you for your blog. I have the ability to sense some things about people without meeting them, and I can tell that you are a good person. Sorry if that freaks you out.
It is wonderful that you have created a life that you love. Take time to notice all the things that have gotten you to this point. Too often we think that we have created ourselves by ourselves, when in reality we have needed others to help shape us and help us focus on what we are now. What happens if those people leave our lives, ei. parents, lovers, friends, co-workers etc. have we told or shown them how we feel about them (at least the positive influences). And if we have, do we continue?
One of the greatest mistakes that people make is to say they "have arrived" and then push everyone away that got them to that point. We want to make what we have even better and believe that we need to push away those that we really need to hang on to for dear life. Instead of increasing our affection and thankfulness we stop progressing in the relationships with others. Because we are afraid of losing where we are at. When in reality we can never "stay where we are at". We are always moving and changing. We need to invite them more into our lives and enjoy their contribution in helping to continue to create ourselves. And if we do push them away, why are we really pushing them away, especially if they were instumental in getting us where we are. We never really “arrive” we are always creating ourselves.
In 6 months you will not be in the same place that you are now, no matter what you do. Most core beliefs will not change, however, desires, interests, priorities will. We have to determine who and what are core to us and who and what are desires, interests and priorities. That is easy to figure out, if you look at who and what got you to this point. If they are the people that were there to support and to help you create your current situation they should be core to your life. We need to surround ourselves with people that love us for who we are and not push them away because we want to change. If we are not careful in six months we may not be in such a joyous place.
Not all experiences in life are good, but they are all teaching moments. It appears that you have learned from them. It makes me happy to see someone that I don’t know happy in where they are at. Be true to yourself and those that have been there for you, we never know when we will need their help again. "The person that brings you the soup when you are sick didn’t worry about if they were going to get sick themselves, just about getting you well." Continue to fine tune your life and build lasting bonds with those around you that have been the mortar in your own personal brick wall. Just remember that they are the mortar and the backbone of our lives. What would the picture of Paris look like if the Eiffel Tower was not there?
I haven't kept up with your blog in a while (or anyone's, for that matter, so please don't take it personally!), but I'm glad that I stopped by and saw this post. I felt EXACTLY the same after reading Eat Pray Love. I wasn't myself in my marriage - I couldn't be myself. Everything was him or us, and nothing was me. When I got divorced, I was finally able to find myself and create my life to resemble me. I was so happy in my first apartment when I got a red couch! Sounds silly, but it was ME. :)
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